Birthday Letters
by Emma CS Me
Summary: In one world, he found Lilly Kane on the white bedspread. In the other, Veronica Mars was left on it for him. In both, everything slowly started crashing down. COMPLETE.
1. God Help the Wolf After Whom the Dogs

_**Author's Notes:** One of those fics you really have to explain the premise of. One storyline occurs in canon, one occurs in my old fanfic, "Compare and Contrast." This will probably make more sense if you've read that. The title is from a book of poems by Ted Hughes, and each section is titled by a line from one of the poems in that book. Each chapter is titled after the poem from which those sections' two lines come from._

* * *

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**1. There you met it – the mystery of hatred**

It's Shelley Pomroy's end of the year party and he's considerably less drunk than everyone else here; a lot less than his brother, and Sean who is tagging a lot with them.

So he waits for Dick to do something stupid to get himself into trouble, because that is what Dick always does, and Cassidy always winds up having to bail Dick out of trouble. Always the responsible one, always the non-existent one, always left behind. It's starting to get on his nerve.

He's not exactly sure how, but eventually they stumble into the bedroom and see her. Lilly's lying on the bed, and he wants to run away. Dick and Sean disagree, however, and rush in to torment her some more.

"Well look who's here," crooned Dick, and Cassidy winced at how loud the words sounded. He suddenly felt a lot drunker. "The town whore. What's the matter Lilly? Waiting for some guy to reel in?"

Cassidy watches as Lilly pulls herself off the bedspread to look Dick in the eye, body swaying with the effort. "Mind your own business, Dick. And if I was the town whore? You could never afford me."

There is a pause in which Cassidy starts feeling sick, and eventually Lilly says that was a corny line. Cassidy's not sure if it was or not, but it doesn't really matter.

He tugs on Dick's arm because it's starting to sting, to see him talk to her like this. "Come on man, Dick, leave her alone." He always liked Lilly – even for the things she had done, for who's daughter she was, Lilly stays strong and bright and proud in his head. Maybe he was the last person left with any respect for her, he wasn't sure.

Dick laughs, caressing Lilly's cheek more gently than Cassidy would expect – the movement makes him shudder. Lilly shivers and shies away, as Dick asks, "Is that what you want, Lilly? To be alone?"

Cassidy watches as she shakes some sort of deference, saying, "Okay, way too wasted for questions like that." The words come out slurred enough for him to think it's true. He's starting to panic now.

"Come on, let's just go," he pulls Dick away from her urgently, and he doesn't even know what he's so scared of. He sees Dick cock his head like he's noticed something Cassidy hasn't, which probably means the world is ending. Then Dick tosses him to the bed by Lilly's side, and he swallows his gasp as the lump in his throat forms, and the memories he's been trying to bury for the last four years or so spring back to the surface.

"Hey, Lilly," Dick says mockingly. "Beav here seems to be looking out for you – maybe you should thank him?"

"Maybe I will," she retorts confidently, and Cassidy winces. Nobody notices.

Dick starts to pull Sean away, saying they're not needed. Sean hesitates to throw some condoms on to the bed with a hyena-like laugh, saying something about how he doesn't know where Lilly's been. She barely flinches at the insult, but he thinks of where he's 'been' and isn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

His breath comes out short, sharp, and panicking. "I should go," he says, as he stands up. She tugs him back down.

"I was going to thank you?"

His stomach flips. It's not that he doesn't want to sleep with Lilly in particular – even if she was Logan's girlfriend, she was always something sort of incredible. It wasn't even really a crush, but in Lilly Cassidy saw the complete ability to not care what other people thought. Lilly was strong and brave in a way Cassidy never knew was possible, and she never let it become her problem if someone hated her; thought her scary, broken, or dangerous. For Cassidy, someone who spent every second caring and hiding the truth, this was endlessly appealing.

But right now he can't stop thinking of the past, and he's not a hundred percent certain he wants to lose his virginity to a drunk girl who everyone hates (and he has to believe this is the first thing that would count as him losing his virginity). He thinks of what happened at Logan's party last September, and what happened there – it's twisted, to be between Lilly and Logan like that. Then he pushes the thought down, because he refuses to be so fucked up he'll think about how he fooled around with a girl's ex-boyfriend while fucking her. If he fucks her, that is.

"It's okay," Lilly says, as her hand fixes a little firmer on his, as if she's scared he might just float away. With the rate Lilly Kane has been losing things lately, Cassidy thinks it's not that paranoid.

"This is a bad idea," he weakly defends himself, and Lilly shrugs.

"I know," she says, and smiles as she presses a gentle kiss to his lips – so different to the tales of wild Lilly Kane he's heard. "It is me doing it, after all."

In that moment, he wants to give in and drown himself in her, if only for a night. He's not going to let it all be about... _that_ anymore; he can prove he can just fuck a girl like anyone else. Lilly's practically begging him to, after all.

He hesitates for a second, her lips millimeters from his face. "You okay?" she asks, and he feels her breath condescending on his face. He forces his past down and puts it under lock and key, forcing himself to smile at her.

"Yeah," he says. He lets her kiss him, and kisses back, tasting vodka and tears and – oh God – Logan. He glues his eyes shut as they fall to the bed, trying to keep his broken mind as far away from her body as possible.

**1. After your billions of years in anonymous matter**

He hears the wedding march out of Dick's mouth, and his stomach turns. This can't be happening. He knows that they want to do something with Veronica unconscious, broken body, and he can't think long enough to make the details comprehensible in his head.

"Dick, you're – you're going to hurt her or something," he stutters, and Dick only looks amused.

"Oh, I'd hurt her. You... she might not even notice," Dick says, and Cassidy's stomach flips with what he's just been asked to _do_. He doesn't want to feel this anxious, helpless, or out of control. He masochistically puts himself down on the bed next to Veronica, examining the dream-like smile that dances on her face.

He never really knew Veronica Mars – she was sweet, and nice to him. They both got made fun of last September for getting sick and missing Logan's party; Dick spouted his off-the-wall theory that Veronica was secretly fucking Cassidy behind Duncan's back; he pretended to laugh with the rest of them, as Veronica blushed the tiniest bit in Duncan's arms. She was always so bashful.

Then things changed; the official word was Veronica Mars was a bitch and a slut and a traitor, and Cassidy never cared enough to question this. But maybe he should have, because now he's on the bed with her, and has no idea what to do.

"You need me to get you started?" Dick's words ring in his ears and Veronica's white party dress slowly starts to travel up, like the unveiling of a grand attraction. Something in Cassidy jumps and his stomach clenches as he swats Dick's hand away.

"No, I've – I've got it," and he half can't believe what he's saying. What he thinks he's about to do.

Then Dick and Sean are gone; Veronica's all alone with him. She's so fragile an innocent right now, and he can do anything to her and no-one will be any the wiser. He lets the dark part of him come to the surface. He's tired of being the victim, tired of hiding in the shadows, tired of watching everything completely unaffected by his presence. Veronica is something different. She is breakable and has been offered on a silver platter to him; why shouldn't he take it? It's been so long, so much has been ripped out of him. He gave up on any kind of righteousness years ago, and he kind of wants to see what he can make of her.

He's not going to be weak and helpless anymore, and he can just fuck her without a second thought. This isn't what's left of a million people who want to destroy him. This is his _life_ dammit.

He undoes his belt, and reaches for the skirt of her dress. He can't think of a reason not to.


	2. Apprehensions

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**2. This fear was the color of your desk-top**

When he wakes up, it takes him a few moments to remember where he is. He's in Shelley Pomroy's guest room, with Lilly Kane lying next to him. He feels a little sick.

He wants to run, run like he did after the not-quite-this night with Logan (why does he keep thinking about that?). He doubts Lilly would be surprised; he felt the unspoken agreement in the air between them last night – _this never happened._ He's scared, and he's not even sure what of. He thinks if Lilly sees him after, she'll see _something_ of his past and he wants to keep that chained down and out of anyone's eyes. Half the reason he'd slept with her was just to prove he _could;_ that he hadn't been broken by _that_, and if this leads to anyone finding out about _that_ in would just be unfair.

He should run, and he almost manages to get the covers off. He freezes midway through, and his eyes catch on the faint patterns of the guest room's ceiling. He should go, for the reasons he said before – besides, he's not all that sure he wants to be caught in bed with her. People with laugh, and even if Logan hates her now, he'd probably get pissed about Cassidy fucking her (bit hypocritical, but whatever).

Pretty much every molecule of his being is telling him to cut his losses and go, but he's stuck there like she's some wild animal that paralyzed him. He's felt helpless before; frozen and sick and wrong. He feels that now, and the memory makes him gag. No, it's different. Lilly's just...

Eventually he hears the ruffle of sheets and a small noise that indicates she's awake. He can't bring himself to look at her, and stays focused on the cream-white above him, trying not to throw up. He thinks that sort of insult would get even to her, and its not her fault.

He hears Lilly saying something; wishing him good morning and asking some sort of question. He thinks he should answer, but his tongue feels way too big in his mouth for talking and he doesn't actually know what the question was. So he doesn't look at her. His eyes start to glaze over with tears which he valiantly tries to beat down – what kind of a fuck-up is he; that sex itself can make him cry? He wants to stop thinking about it, but there is something festering at the back of his mind which won't let him.

She talks some more, and he feels her breath grow slightly faster like she's annoyed with him, with his silence. He can't bring himself to break it, because maybe he's just not ready to admit what happened yet. His tears that falling and he feels the shift in her body weight as she tries to look better at him, like she's concerned. Then she pulls herself out of the bed and starts to reach for her clothes.

"Bye Beav," she says casually. "It was fun."

Then something in him snaps and he says quietly, "My name is Cassidy."

He forces his eyes away from the ceiling to look at her, and it stings. His stomach clenches at the sight of her half-dressed flesh, and he watches as she nods. Then she's gone, like she was never there at all.

He waits until he hears the click of the front door, before he runs into the nearest bathroom he can find and throws up.

**2. You almost knew its features**

He's not sure what he was expecting when he saw he at school next Monday. Maybe he thought their shared presence could turn the world upside-down; make _everything_ different. It didn't. Just the change in both their expressions that no-one even notices, and it's almost like he was never there with her at all.

But he was, and he knows it. He can see it in her, even – her long blond hair (it was so soft in his fingers) has been lopped off and fallen to the wayside, in her attempt to harden her face. He's the only one who knows not to dismiss that. Now, when Logan taunts her, she doesn't flinch – she just throws the barbs back in his face, her voice no longer frail. Cassidy hears the pain and rage in her, and realizes with a start that she doesn't trust Logan anymore – she thinks _he_ might have been the one who...

He drives his short nails into his palm to keep himself under control. There's the sting of guilt for how thoroughly he has broken her, and the dark part of him hates the idea of Logan – or anyone, really – getting credit for what he's done. That part is growing larger and larger; festering in him like a tumor, and he can't really say he wants it to stop.

He sees her jump away when someone taps her on the shoulder to get her attention, and his insides twist in victory. If there's anyone he has power over, it's Veronica Mars – no-one can ever know, but he's okay with that. He's always been good at keeping secrets and staying hidden in the shadows.

And there are still parts of him _screaming_ that this is wrong, and awful, and destroying her won't help him in the slightest. Those are the parts of him that beg to be allowed to go back, back to that party. To see her white dress almost blending into the bedspread, and close his eyes. Not look at her, not touch her, and not be the same sort of demon that haunts his nightmares.

Cassidy doesn't listen to those parts of him – after all, it's not like he _can_ go back, is it? He's wanted to do that a lot in his life – he remembers the day he was changed (he cannot put what happened in words), how he had sunk his head into his pillow, and pleaded with someone to change things. Just to make an exception to the rules of time, so he could take himself away from the disgusting mess he had been caught in. It was almost a prayer, and if it was, he heard God laughing him away. There was no salvation, not for him.

Now, he just smiles. He still doesn't really know Veronica Mars, but that's okay, because now she's his. She might not know he's the thing that's crawling all over her body, but he knows she can still feel him, and he can make her whatever he likes.


	3. The God

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**3. You fed the flames with the myrrh of your mother**

It's about a month later when everyone returns to school after winter break, and Cassidy goes about his life. He doesn't think about the Lilly thing; it doesn't matter and she hasn't said a thing to him.

At least, until Dick taps him on the shoulder in the computer lab. "Dude, you _have_ to see this," he says, urgently indicating his computer. Cassidy raises an eyebrow, but obediently wanders over to see the screen. It's open to the school intranet, some photos prominently displayed. Cassidy wonders why this is meant to be important, until he finds the time to register what those photos are of – Lilly Kane, exiting the Neptune Women's Clinic, known for performing abortions. _Shit,_ he thinks.

"Can you believe that slut?" Dick asks. "Though, I guess it shouldn't come as any surprise. Lilly fucking Kane, we all know what she's like – only a matter of time before she got a little consequence it might cost five hundred or so to deal with."

Cassidy feels his stomach clench, and he knows, just _knows_ the baby was his. With everything he's heard about Lilly Kane he shouldn't be so certain, but he usually doesn't take that crap seriously, and call it his instinct.

He's not really mad at her for the decision – no matter what he likes to pretend, he can barely take care of _himself_ most of the time, let alone a baby. It's better this way. But somehow, he can't help but feel the sting of betrayal – shouldn't she have told him? He knows it was her body and he has know right to make any decisions about it, and other feminist ideology, but it would have been his child and he's sick of being invisible.

"How – how did this get here?" is the only thing he can think of to say. Dick shrugs.

"Don't know, dude. Who cares?"

Dick doesn't know it was Cassidy's – Cassidy knows Dick doesn't believe he actually fucked Lilly, and he's not even that sure Dick remembers leaving him in that room. That's probably the way he should keep it.

He contains himself until the end of class, when Dick is gone. Then he throws up in a trashcan.

Everyone's seen the photos by now, and they're just delighted with a new excuse to hurt Lilly Kane. Cassidy sees her seething with rage and violation, and he feels sorry for her, even if he probably doesn't owe him anything. He stays away from her, and very carefully notes how she avoids his eyes.

She approaches him at his locker a little later. "Hey Beav," she says, awkward, and for an insane second he thinks she's going to talk about it. The pregnancy.

"Hey," he responds automatically, watching at she chews her bottom lip. She's nervous.

"Look, about Shelley's party... I kinda think you gave me chlamydia," she blurts out, and Cassidy blinks. Just blinks.

"What?"

She shrugs. "Yeah, I was kind of surprised. But I don't know where else I would have gotten it from, and anyway, you know me – not exactly going to do the whole judging thing. Just, like, get tested, okay?"

He nods. He doesn't want to think about where he got chlamydia, but he can't help it. It strikes him as darkly, humorlessly funny – like some kind of sick joke that will never let him forget about it. He watches as Lilly walks away, without a word to what else he gave her that night. What she got rid off. He realizes just how stupid she thinks he is; doesn't she think he can figure it out?

He figures out that he's just as invisible to her as he is to the rest of the goddamn world.

**3. And the frankincense of your father**

It's the middle of January and it's parent-teacher night, as the various ancestors of the Neptune High populace brave their children's fates. Cassidy lingers with his father, brother and father's fiancee – twenty-five year old gold-digger, and a bitch to boot. He wouldn't mind how distasteful Kendall is, if only she weren't so _blatant_ about it. Dad only divorced Sadie a couple of months ago, which was kind of sad, because even if Sadie was just a gold-digger like Kendall, she was sweet. Cassidy liked her.

Dad looks impatient, and Cassidy knows he doesn't want to be there – he never cares about how Cassidy does in anything, and Dick's results only bring embarrassment. Not that he cares that Dick might fail – in their father's eyes, intellectualism is weakness – but he doesn't want to look like he's brought up an idiot.

Cassidy sees Veronica enter by her father's side, drawing disapproving looks and hushed whispers from the rest of the crowd. Both Marses hold their heads up high despite this, and Cassidy lets his eyes get fixed to them. By her father's side, Veronica looks so much more comfortable than he's seen her since that fateful party, and he feels a pang of envy that she has a father that can make it better, if only a little. He's felt so many things for Veronica Mars since December 7th: lust, guilt, shame, obsession, some emotions he's not comfortable naming (and he's not sure he knows the names of them). But envy is new, and he finds it uncomfortable.

He wonders, if he had a father like Keith Mars – would things be different? Maybe he would never have done that to Veronica, he's not sure. Maybe he could tell about Woody – no. Even if he had a family that would understand, the whole world never would, and he'd always have to do anything to keep it all secret.

The Kane family ducks to avoid Keith Mars, and Cassidy understands. After all, the last time Keith Mars and Jake Kane met it was during an interview, while Keith was accusing Jake of murdering his own daughter. Cassidy doesn't know if the Kanes had anything to do with Lilly's death, and he's not a hundred percent sure he cares. He knows Logan came back from Mexico just before she dies, and he doesn't know what he feels about that either. Maybe he's not as smart as he thinks he is, because he's getting really bad at naming his thoughts and feelings.

Keith lost his role as sheriff over all that, and Cassidy knows he should feel lucky. If Keith was sheriff, Veronica would do what she needed to afterward – cry to the authority, to her daddy. He doesn't think Keith even knows. In that other world, there would be investigations and kits and counseling; he would be put behind bars where he could never hurt her again. He frowned. How would that be fair? It's been four years and Veronica had so long in the sun; isn't it his turn to be okay now?

He watches as Veronica hangs on her father's arm, smiling. "I can't believe he has the nerve to show up," Cassidy's own father mutters under his breath, and Cassidy smirks. Keith Mars is a laughingstock, Veronica is a broken joke, and Cassidy can do whatever he likes and get away with it.


	4. Daffodils

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**4. It was his last chance**

When Lilly winds up with Eli 'Weevil' Navarro, no-one's really sure whether to be surprised or not. It strikes Cassidy as somewhat cliched – the fallen princess rich girl, running after the bad boy biker with heart of gold (tm).

It seems kind of funny when she reveals this is not a new thing – she and Weevil were together before, during one of her and Logan's many breakups. Cassidy sees Logan pretend he doesn't care, and it's just another funny thing done by Lilly the Slut, but Cassidy knows better. It hurts. Logan hasn't let go of her properly despite hating her, despite Caitlin Ford hanging on his arm, and it's not really a surprise. No matter how they made themselves implode, Lilly and Logan were bound together – even when they were split – for the last two to three years; it's not surprising no-one knows how to react now they're not. It's not surprising that Logan can't just unhook her from his mind and soul.

Hell, Cassidy had her for one night and he can't quite figure out how to cut it out of his thoughts. Much the same with Logan, even. Maybe it's just something about them; some magnetic energy that draws them together no matter how hard they try to be apart, and captures anyone who just happens to get caught in the gravity field – ie. him.

But Lilly is with Weevil now, and everyone is learning to deal. Lilly has this big grin on her face when she's with him – nobody's seen her like that since Veronica died – and it makes Cassidy smile. She is happy and so he is happy for her, even though he's not sure why he cares so much. Most of the people he meets think she doesn't deserve the happiness, and want to break her down – she doesn't let them.

Things seem better for her now – the mostly apathetic (but cruel) masses are less likely to jeer and taunt when they think the leader of the PCHers might drive an ice-pick through their skull for it. Cassidy's been swimming in white privilege his whole life, so he has to admit it – Weevil scares him. However, he trusts Lilly to know when she can't trust a guy – somehow he just _feels_ she never trusted Aaron Echolls.

Eventually, the Weevil and Lilly thing becomes background noise; people stop caring. Someone theorizes that Weevil was probably the father of Lilly's unborn baby – Cassidy has to stifle his laughter against his palm when he hears that – and most people accept it. Everyone pretends not to notice the flash of pain and loneliness in Logan's eyes when he sees his ex-girlfriend hand in hand with the biker, her brother rolling his eyes by their side.

Cassidy just smiles. Lilly is happy now. Maybe one day, he will be too.

**4. He would die in the same great freeze as you**

Cassidy's lying on one of the deck chairs at Shelley Pomroy's house, by the pool. He's half drunk and Duncan Kane is next to him, a good deal drunker. Cassidy quirks a smile at the thought of what happened last time he was at one of Shelley's parties – Duncan would probably kill him if he knew. Then again, maybe Duncan's rejected Veronica enough not to care. Then again, Duncan's pretty much a zombie nowadays anyway.

He hears a short, despairing moan escape Duncan's lips, and is surprised at the sting of guilt. That doesn't sound like a zombie.

"You wanna know what the problem with the world is, Beav?" Duncan slurs, fist clenching and unclenching around the the neck of his beer bottle. Cassidy grimaces. How much did he have to drink anyway?

"My name is Cassidy," he mutters, knowing it won't matter. "And not particularly, no. But I've got a feeling you're about to tell me anyway."

"Yeah," Duncan sighs. "The problem is, nobody has a fucking clue what they're doing. I mean, people try. But they screw up and sometimes they barely even remember why; stupid, emotional morons who leave everyone else to pick up their shit, and they actually fucking care but..."

Cassidy feels a shiver run down his spine, and he doesn't want to believe what Duncan's telling him. He knows what he's doing. He knew what he was doing last December. He needs to believe that now, so he dismisses Duncan's rant with a smirk. "So? People are fucked up. It's humanity's great defining trait; did you just notice this?"

Duncan sighs deeply. "Yeah," he says, and Cassidy notices his eyes going glassy with tears. If he was someone else, he'd feel sorry for Duncan – but he's not someone else, and he doesn't really have the room to feel that anymore.

Duncan puts the beer back to his lips – or he tries, in any case. His aim is slightly off, so the beer pours not down his throat, but over his jaw and collarbone. Cassidy watches as Duncan begins to choke and splutter, and raises an eyebrow.

"You need me to go over there and help you with that, or something?"

Cassidy flinches as Duncan drops his beer bottle to the floor and it shatters loudly. He's always hated the sound of breaking glass. Duncan laughs loudly, so unlike what anyone has come to expect from him recently.

"I'm fine," Duncan lies. "I hate beer anyway."

Cassidy nods. "Yeah, your state makes that so obvious."

Duncan collapses against the deck chair, eyes closed, and Cassidy cocks his head to the side. What is up with him?

Duncan turns very deliberately on his side, eyes now open and staring Cassidy down – Duncan can barely focus them, but he's trying like this is of utmost important. "I miss her," Duncan whispers, as if Cassidy is a priest and this is his confession. Cassidy has to stifle a laugh at the thought – him, a man of God.

But Duncan just looks so damn _sad_ that Cassidy's mouth goes dry. "Lilly?" he asks dumbly.

Cassidy waits for a response, observing the unhealthy flicker of puke-yellow lantern light on Duncan's deathly pale skin; blotchy with booze and pain. He feels a vague urge to punch Duncan in the face, not because he's done anything wrong, but just to see the red gently float over Duncan's features, and to feel it coating his hand. "Veronica," Duncan says, mouthing the word more than anything – as if he's scared the sound will start an avalanche.

Cassidy nerves jump up screaming and burning alive, and he follows them off the deck chair – he wants to run. The guilt comes surging back like a flood, and there's just too much of it to beat down, not with Duncan looking like a bundle of hurt three feet away from him.

He's made maybe two steps away when Duncan's hand catches his wrist in a vice-like grip. Cassidy winces and gasps at the contact; he feels imprisoned and God knows how he doesn't want to remember _that_ feeling. He takes two deep breaths, and forces himself to calm down – Duncan is a wreck, and none of this matters anyway, so there's no point to him getting worked up about it all. He presses the mute on (what's left of) his conscience's screams about Veronica; condemning him for what he did.

He looks Duncan square in the eye with carefully schooled blankness. Duncan doesn't say it, but Cassidy feels the word radiating off him: _stay, stay, stay._

He's confused, and he doesn't know why the hell Duncan needs him there – _him_, of all people. But he does it.

Just because he's puzzled, and wants to figure out what is really ripping Duncan in half like an old and over-stressed piece of fabric. Not because he feels sorry when he sees how broken Duncan looks, or that he identifies with the helplessness, or that he's half-wishing Duncan will realize the truth and kill him in revenge, or that he just wants to spend some time with the other people living in their own personal hells.

Really.


	5. The Rag Rug

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**5. And wherever it found its tongue, its fang, its meaning**

He hears about it from the news, and its like something in a movie because he swears the air around him freezes:

"Movie star Aaron Echolls is dead, after allegedly attempting to kill Lilly Kane, seventeen, after she confronted him in regards to publishing photos of her leaving an abortion clinic. Full details at six."

Cassidy's stomach goes tight and hot, and it's only a few seconds before he finds his car keys and grips them so tight the teeth dig into the flesh on his palm. He grabs Dick from his room, impatiently tugging on his sleeve.

"Whoa, dude, chill," says Dick. "Didn't you like, hear about Logan's dad and Lilly and shit on the news? Jesus."

Cassidy nods. "Yeah, I heard. And now we're going to go see her."

"What? Dude, why?"

"I'll explain later."

The drive is short, even with Dick whining and bitching all the way. Cassidy just rolls his eyes, grits his teeth and grasps the steering wheel a little tighter to resist the urge to throttle him.

They find Lilly easily, and she's surrounded by her friends and family – Wallace, Caitlin, Weevil, Duncan (isn't he still in police custody?), even _Logan_ is there. That surprises Cassidy; he expected her to be alone. With a short, sharp, flooding pain, he realizes he's the alone one, not her. He shakes it away. It doesn't really matter, and he sees all their heads turn in confusion when he and Dick enter.

Someone asks why they're there, and Dick shrugs and dismisses it. Cassidy looks at Lilly and the deep blue bruises forming a ring around her neck – she's always been stupid and impulsive, and it doesn't surprise him she's try and confront an insane man like Aaron by herself.

People ask why he had to come, and he guesses it's best to drop this news as casually as possible. He doesn't even know why he wants to tell them all, especially because Logan is in the room and might just kill him for it. Oh well.

"Well, I guess I feel responsible. You know, for knocking you up in the first place."

There are room-wide double takes, and Cassidy's starting to think he really has been transported into a movie. He observes as people stare and Dick pulls at him, hissing "What?". Lilly just lays her head back on the pillow in amusement, and asks him when he figured it out. He admits he's known all along, and says he isn't mad at her for what she did, or not telling him (and he _thinks_ it's true).

Caitlin says something about how she thought he was gay, and it makes his insides twist a little, because despite everything, that's one more complication he _can't_ deal with. She brings up Logan and he looks down, cocking his head in the other boy's direction and half daring him to blush. Logan doesn't, and Caitlin dismisses the whole thing – trick of the booze?

People file out and he lingers around the hospital corridors for a little; he doesn't know where Dick has gotten to. Logan finds him eventually, and takes a place next to Cassidy and one of the hospital's plastic plants.

"So. You fucking my ex. Can't say I saw that one coming," Logan says, with a wry smirk playing on his features. Cassidy shrugs.

"It's not what you'd expect, I know." There is an awkward pause. "You're being considerably less psychotic about this than I imagined."

"Whatever. She's a bitch," Logan dismisses. Cassidy disagrees, but chooses to let it slide.

Logan leans back against the wall. "It's kind of creepy, now I think about it. You sure you're not stalking me vicariously through my ex-girlfriend?"

Cassidy laughs out loud. "Sorry Logan. Your dick isn't magic, get over it."

"Don't be too offended if I say I'm not that disappointed, because I think you'd make one creepy-ass stalker," Logan says, before he leans down to whisper in Cassidy's ear.

"Besides, you heard what Caitlin said," and Cassidy sucks in a breath at the sensation of Logan's hot breath landing on his ear. He darts his eyes around to check if anyone's looking. No-one is. "It was all an illusion."

Then Logan walks off with the cocky swagger of someone whose father was not just killed by their former best friend. Huh. Cassidy's stomach twists, and he's not sure how to feel.

**5. It survived our Eden**

Things go on as usual – Veronica is disliked, nobody knows what Cassidy did to her, Logan tries to make her life a living hell, et cetera. After Lynn dies, things are different, but not enough that it scares Cassidy into thinking something will change with her.

He knows they're together from the first moment.

He's always been a good observer of human behavior, and even if everyone else is too fucking stupid to notice, there are things they can't hide from him. The twinkle in Logan's eye when he sees her; the smile she can't quite repress when snarking at him. The affection crawls off them like steam, and he feels a stupid, selfish sort of envy. She should be his – he made her his, but somehow she's escaping into Logan's light and he doesn't know how to stop it. Watching them makes him feel sick and dizzy, like this tangible sweetness must be a lie, and must be true at the same thing – like one of those pieces of paper with "the statement on the other side is true" on one side and "the statement on the other side is false" on the other.

Exactly like that.

He watches as Logan talks to her the way he always has, and thinks no-one's noticed that his heart is nowhere near in it anymore. She smiles back at him when she thinks no-one's looking, and it makes Cassidy wince to see what he couldn't crush of her glimmer.


	6. Fever

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**6. The stone man made soup**

Lilly is standing in front of his locker and staring straight at him, talking about Logan. He can't help but blush. He avoids the question – even if Logan now knows the vice versa, he wants to keep them as apart in possible in his mind. He doesn't even know why. Lilly stares him down and says something about him being Logan's 'alibi'. There is a hitch in her voice, no matter how casual she tries to sound, as if there are tears strangled behind there.

So he admits it – for Logan's sake, if nothing else. He asks why, and she confesses: Veronica, September 27th, the rape.

All the wind is knocked out of him and replace by an intangible rage, when he realizes how very _stupid_ Lilly is. He didn't know Veronica Mars very well, but he knows _this_ of her and knows without a doubt that he needs to protect her now – stupid, curious, selfish Lilly, looking for an answer she does not deserve. That secret was Veronica's alone, and it sickens him to think he knows it now.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he hisses at Lilly as he grabs her wrist, struck by the urge to just _twist _until he hears the satisfying crack of her bone breaking. He doesn't; just watches as she flinches in pain, offering excuses. He can see in her eyes how thoroughly she believes them; how thoroughly she thinks she's doing the right thing and all his guts twist up.

He remembers who she is, and forces himself to think of her as her image, just for a second – Lilly Kane, selfish and cruel. He tries to keep that in his mind as he runs away from her, and winds up in the boy's bathroom punching the mirror. As he watches the blood drip down his hand, it's sickening scent reaches his nostrils and the vulture-Lilly he's trying to hold onto starts to fade away.

A few days pass, and he's pretty much on autopilot from when Dick comes to him – Lilly said there was something wrong. He feels like the boundaries of his life are blurring, letting sickening things into what is still left, and it's _all her fault_.

When he drags her into that room, it strikes him as funny how different this is to last time he was alone with her. He doesn't even know what he wants this time, but sex has nothing to do with it – he wants to shut her up. He wants to hurt her in revenge. He wants to heal her so she can live by a rule other than Veronica's (and his) secret pain.

He focuses on the first one.

He says he's fine, and knows how delusional he sounds. She says he's not, and offers her help up on a silver platter – he hates how hard it is to resist that. She lists how broken he is, why she says so, and it feels like a taunt – he needs to stop her _talking _like that, then it's all a flurry of movement until a _thwap_ sounds from what seems like far away, and she falls to the floor at his hand.

Her face hardens, and she more or less dismisses it as anything other than proof of what a hopeless fuck-up he is. He realizes he can't hurt her; he's simply not strong enough, not _good_ enough for that. He runs.

He likes the noise of the highway; easy to lose his thoughts in. It doesn't take much effort to step out into the oncoming traffic – there's suddenly the sound of carn horns, a blow and sudden pain, and things go dark. As he feels it ending, he hears Veronica telling him it's okay.

**6. The burning woman drank it**

He doesn't want to look her in the eye – she's wearing that trademark sardonic smile he carved for her; the one he used to find so appealing, but now just makes his stomach churn. She calls him lover – he doesn't know what to think of that. Her feels the effort of keeping that smile in place radiating off her in waves, and it must hurt – he half wants to confess, just so she can let that aching lie-smile down.

He mutters "Nothing happened." He tries to walk away, as he had right after – ran out of that room with the last traces of his body still on (in) her, as if he hadn't done a thing. She doesn't let his this time, however.

The smile falls and it's a relief. She says she remembers the morning after, if not the details, and her jaw is clenching and unclenching with the effort it takes to keep from screaming. It makes him wince. He liked admiring how he broke her from a distance, but hearing her avoid the exact word plants something dark and sick in his stomach, like a tumor he can't cut out.

He forces himself to fill with anger and envy – he remembers details. She doesn't. She has no right to pretend she's like him. He holds onto those factors, long enough to look her in the eye, and point blank lie that he never touched her. Long enough to see the belief register in her eyes.

She walks off with a punch to his arm, and he exhales in relief. Logistically, there are still a million ways this can go wrong – he's not invincible, and she's meant to be smart – but somehow, he just _knows_ it's over. She never mentions it again.

He reads in the newspaper about Abel Koontz, and thinks of Logan. It was always too much of a coincidence, how he came back just in time for Lilly's death. Given everything, Cassidy's not sure how much right he has to care, and even how much he does. But he chooses to react in the token 'Beaver' way, affirming Veronica's faith in him, and maybe making Logan Echolls something else he can rule.

He watches her eyes go dark as he tells her what he knows – grief for Lilly and Logan, nothing more. She does not flinch to receive this information from him. He is struck by an urge to scream and confess; to offer his rule, or to beg for her forgiveness. But he doesn't really want to and her silent panic isn't leaving him the room to anyway. Despite what she feels, he see an underlying layer of fine in her. He realizes he can't break her, and it hurts. He guesses:

Maybe it doesn't really matter.


	7. The Gypsy

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**7. Deafened, maybe, by closer explosions**

The rest of the world didn't get the 'ending' thing. He wakes up in a sickeningly sterilized room – hospital.

It's all doctors and nurses with sympathetic faces as the pump more things out of the drips and into him. His family is called, and Dad can't look him in the eye. He seems uncomfortable to even be there. Dick looks like he has a gaping chasm in his eyes when he tells Cassidy the truth – they know about Woody.

Cassidy wants to scream; feels his skin set alight as he narrows his eyes and demands they just _get out_. He can't even look at them now; seeing what they know of him, always looking always judging; _weak pathetic little fag Beaver boy, he let this happen..._

They said Lilly figured it all out. His stomach clenches at the thought of her; Lilly, Lilly, it's _always_ Lilly, putting herself where she doesn't belong and twisting his world around her. She did this to him, bring down the carefully constructed world he had built, and never caring how much he needed that. Always so self-righteous, so stupid, so _strong_; always so very there, _Lilly._

Dick calls her. She walks into his room unconfidently – he never sees that. She wears an expression of the sweetest, purest sympathy she can muster. She pities him. Lilly has been dragged through the mud more times than he can even count, but _she_ feels the need to pity _him_?

He doesn't have the energy to shout her away, like he did his family. They talk. She explains how she figured everything out; Marcos was always stupid, and it doesn't surprise Cassidy that he would spill the secret. Lilly says she hates Marcos, and Cassidy can't help but ask why.

He wants to laugh when she tells him – the abortion photos, how they were published. It strikes him that he's caught in a never-ending loop of his past, and the circle can bring down everything he strives for. He can't hate Marcos for what he did anymore than he could hate Lilly for not telling him. The action itself doesn't seem much like Marcos, bit when Lilly says it was for his parents, Cassidy gets it. Marcos always had his parents on a pedestal, doing whatever he could for them – Cassidy always guessed it was the desperation to see them as good, as opposed to how Woody described them. That was meant to be the reason, and maybe Marcos thought that if he could make everything Woody said about his parents lies, he could undo that rationalization for what happened.

Cassidy never bothered with that. They were all bastards, and all trying to screw him over.

He can't help but remember he wasn't the only person – dead or alive – Lilly was trying to peer into like a dissected animal. He asks about Veronica.

She says she knows; says _Caitlin_ did it, of all people. Her voice sounds so wounded and so broken that he can't keep his anger up anymore – he remembers how badly she has been treated. The careful walls he has built in his mind begin to sway and crumble, because he knows she was trying to help him and he's starting to think she did.

She says he could have just told her. He makes it as simple as he can: he didn't want anyone to know. He insists he won't thank her, and sees in her eyes that she understands – she feels sorry for him, and wants to let him settle his own disaster for a few seconds.

She leaves, days pass and he's still in hospital. He receives counseling from doctors and interviews from police; his dad never comes to see him, but Dick does. Dick is being a lot better about all this than he expected, and it's a little bit of a comfort.

He hears about the truth – Lynn Echolls, the diary, Veronica – on the news. Neptune town goes crazy and Cassidy just hopes that maybe, he'll get lost in this chaos. He doesn't expect it to work.

**7. Closed, maybe, in a soldier crypt**

Cassidy has a plan. He's had it for a while now; ever since Peter and Marcos came to him with the anger-tinged voices and big, earnest eyes. Ever since they looked him down and said point blank that they needed to make Woody pay for what he did to them. Cassidy disagreed. He asked them to leave him out of it, but they wouldn't – they said they needed him.

So he decided they would die.

It was an easier decision to make than he had expected; easy like the choice to tug up poor Veronica's dress that one night in December. He knows what happened there marks it officially too late; he's not the victim anymore and _God_, how he doesn't want to be. The word sickens him – he can crush Veronica, he can destroy these people; he is the monster now and he wants them all to pay.

He thinks it through rationally. He can't make them seem like targets; that would eventually lead them back to Woody and to him (and _it_; always i_t it it_). So he has to do something else – the plan for the bus crash seems inspired to him. The collateral damage – innocent people – occurs to him, but he manages to force down any residual guilt. It's liberating, to hurt so many people who have done nothing wrong. He feels unchained.

It strikes him as ironic, that they go to Shark Field Stadium, invited by Woody. He manages to talk Peter and Marcos into going – something about proving their strength. Cassidy knows how to probe his strength.

Is the limo speeds across the PCH, stalking the bus full of victims, Cassidy does a mental head count. Who will he actually kill? Peter and Marcos. The new teacher, and the bus driver guy. Meg, that girl Dick was fucking, Cervando the bipolar jeans-obsessed PCHer (dying on that same road; how ironic), the girl he doesn't know....

And Veronica.

He's broken her and now he gets to kill her; it makes him smile how easily he has been played into his hands, like soft putty. He likes Veronica, he truly does, and he thinks he might miss her. But he can't help but delight in sending her over that cliff, and freezing the girl he made of her forever.

They climb out of the limo to see the wreckage. He feigns surprise and horror. He sees Gia crying out of the corner of his eye, and he's not sure if he wants to burst out laughing or through her over the cliff with them. Duncan just stares at the scene in shock, and he is hit by a wave of pity. Duncan had been so broken, back when they talked – Cassidy's turned him into another thing to break.

Or maybe not, because Veronica makes her miraculous entrance from the back of Weevil's bike. Duncan grasps her to him like he needs to make sure she can't ever leave, as if he can't believe she's real (and the universe has taken mercy on him for once).

Veronica stares at what should be her burial site, her face hardening in shock and determination. Cassidy feels cheated.


	8. The Dogs are Eating Your Mother

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**8. She leaped from our window**

Time passes, and the world's eyes begin to glaze over him. He is an ugly intrusion with his history and his past, and his 'trauma'. This is Neptune and nothing's real unless you admit it is, so it's perfectly easy for them to just look away. He becomes a ghost; a shadow.

He's sick of it, to tell you the truth.

His father won't look at him anymore – big fucking shock – and always such a stupid, needy, pathetic boy, he comes up with a plan. That whore Kendall is still mooching off them, and Cassidy knows without a doubt she's cheating. So he has to prove it; get the slut out of there lives and point out that he is not just some pile of wreckage that's been left behind.

But he fucks that up to; hires some stupid PI who finds the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and isn't smart enough to keep his fucking mouth shut. So Dad runs and Kendall's still there, and he just wants to scream in frustration. He's left with his plan in tatters and these stupid photos of Kendall screwing _Logan fucking Echolls_, of all people. He somehow manages to convince himself to storm up to the Echolls house.

He knows it's a stupid idea, and if he tries anything, Logan will kick his ass. But Logan just cocks his head to the side, confused, when he shows up and Cassidy's will does not waver.

"Beav? What are you doing here?"

Cassidy snorts. "My name is Cassidy," he says, eyes sliding over the house. Upstairs is the room where Duncan took a blunt object to Aaron skull; round the back is the poolhouse where Lilly, Caitlin and both fucked their boyfriend's (or to-be boyfriend's) dad. Somewhere is the bathroom where Lynn cleaned off Veronica's blood. Jesus, and people think he's fucked up.

He throws the photos to the floor, and watches as Logan's eyes go dark and pissed off. "My stepmom," says Cassidy. "I'll give you this Echolls; if there's one thing you know how to do, it's self-destruct with style."

"What do you want?" mutters Logan, and Cassidy just shrugs.

"Nothing in particular. My life has been shot to all hell and this is just another moment in the sequence, and now I'm taking it out on you. It stupid, but what can you do?"

Logan snorts, and Cassidy sees something settle in his eyes, like he's trying to figure out how to hurt him. Cassidy braces himself. "Well. Hiring someone to find out who your stepmom is fucking – God, you're a perv. What's the deal Beav? Just trying to figure out how _normal_ people do it?"

Cassidy grits his teeth, and refuses to let Logan see him flinch. "Yeah. Unless you missed this bit, I figured that out a few years back."

Logan rolls his eyes and laughs. "Please? Lilly? She wouldn't know normal when fucking if it ripped her fucking ear off."

Cassidy shrugs. "Whatever; it's enough. Like you can talk – Jesus, Kendall, of all people? Another rich matriarch with loose morals? Hello, Oedipus!"

Logan can't hide the snarl and that, and Cassidy feels a form of satisfaction. He's winning. If he can just keep a straight face, Logan will lose and he will have the power back.

"Well, at least I'm not fucking her to try and convince myself she's _not_ someone else. It must suck for you, really; I was there, I saw the sorts of things you liked doing. Pity to have someone try and get that crap from you, right?" Logan pauses. "Or, I don't know, maybe you're enough of a fuck-up that was all the reason you liked it anyway. You didn't want to talk, right?"

Cassidy can't force himself not to react to that – not with words, but with a hard punch to Logan's face. Logan laughs. "Alright Beav! What, you finally grow a pair?"

Logan pulls himself off the ground, and Cassidy punches him again. This time, Logan hits back and they're lost.

Cassidy's not exactly sure what happens next; one moment, they're two steps from killing each other; the next, he's on the floor with Logan's teeth in his neck and hands pulling off his shirt.

It's over quick, because neither of them really want to admit they're doing this. After, Cassidy just lies on the hard wood floor, feeling uncomfortable. Logan avoids his eyes.

The anger from before dissipates, and Cassidy gently touches Logan on the arm. "Hey? Are you okay?"

Logan's face scrunches up, like the question Cassidy just asked was impossible. In a moment, Logan's face breaks into wracking, desperate sobs. Cassidy doesn't know what to do.

**8. And fell there. Those are not dogs-**

He doesn't mind Kendall so much anymore. Yeah, she's a bitch and a whore, but the thing is – he can be more honest with her than any other person in his life, and she won't care. He doesn't scare her, and he likes that, because it feels like he's deceiving her.

Still, he pretends he hates her – he needs to for the plan to work. He wants to make people pay – Daddy Dearest, in particular. The things he's noticed since Shelley Pomroy's, since the bus crash: there's nothing he can't do.

He drags Veronica Mars into it, and that strikes him as funny – there she is again, convinced he's what he's what he's shown himself as. Convinced he's weak, innocent little Beaver. She seems to have let go of her 'investigation' into what happened at Shelley Pomroy's for good.

She comes through, of course – she even manages to figure out the truth about his cover story. Logan and Kendall, can't say he saw that one coming. But the jackpot, of course, is the proof Daddy Dearest is screwing the system, bribing the assessor, and it strikes Cassidy as funny. Dad probably thinks he's the smart one; that he can't fuck people over and never have to pay for it.

He's wrong, of course – Cassidy sees that in the sympathetic way Veronica looks at him while showing him the laptop full of photos. Cassidy's the smart one, and he's ruling over them all – as he sees Dad's chopper ascend into the skies, he only wishes that his Dad would know who was so much better than him.


	9. The Hands

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**9. Inside empty gloves, these, here**

He meets Mac at school; she is sweet and funny, and smart, and she _looks at him_ – not like everyone does; not like he's a freakish abomination that no-one can help but stare at. She smiles at him. She laughs with him.

So he asks her out, and she agrees. He sees her line of sight waver – just a for a second – and feels his stomach clench. He's so sick of this. Sick of everyone staring at him with _it_ in their eyes; this is exactly why he didn't want anyone to know. Because it's not fair that his whole life is going to be defined by something he didn't even do; something that was done to him.

He shrugs it off. He is different and Mac is different; and it will be enough.

Except maybe it won't, because they're there and they're smiling and laughing, but it's not working anymore. It rings false, somehow. He likes her, and he sees in her eyes that she likes him, but there's fear in her. He can sense she's scared of hurting him, and he'd be grateful if it didn't make him hate her for it. Her sympathetic eye is crushing him, putting on _way_ too much pressure to be okay, and all he can think is that he wants to crawl back into himself and hide.

He doesn't. They watch a movie and eat, they laugh and smile as they should. He vaguely thinks that her laugh is too loud; he thinks it might burst his eardrums. He takes her home and an odd smile plays on her features; something half-formed and mutated. It doesn't look like she's really smiling at him.

He collapses once he gets home. It's not fair – he thought Mac would be different; that she was sweet and good and normal, and she could see him like that and hence make him so. It's been like this for so long; ever since everyone found out the truth and he's so tired of lugging it around like a lead weight tied to his ankle.

_Lilly_, he thinks. It was her fault. If only she had kept to herself, minded her own business, none of this would be happening. She was meant to be the ultimate proof that he was okay – that he could just _fuck a girl_ and not have to go crazy over it – but she veered off-script and destroyed everything. There's just enough booze in the house to convince him to go see her.

She raises an eyebrow when she sees him. "Cass, hey. Random appearance o'clock? What are you doing here?"

He shrugs. He's not entirely sure what he's doing here either. Lilly bites her lip. "So, uh... How's the date with what's-her-name go; you know, the computer chick?"

"Mac. Her name is Mac," Cassidy forces out, then sighs. "From me showing up at whatever hour of the night at your doorstep, I think you should be guessing 'not good'."

Lilly blinks a couple of times. "Are you _drunk_?" she asks, as if she as well believes sweet, innocent Beaver Casablancas above such things – and he can't say why, because she knows better than anyone (except possibly Logan) that he's no angel.

"No shit, Sherlock," he says. Lilly looks around a little, then opens the door wide for him. He goes inside.

"Look, Cassidy. Just sit down, I'll – I don't know, get you some coffee or something, and-"

"This is your fault."

The air goes still for a second. She looks confused. "Wait, what?"

"This-" he gestures wildly around him, not sure exactly what he's trying to indicate. "It's all your fault."

Lilly stares, thoughts running behind her eyes at a million miles an hour. "Okay... yeah, there are a lot of things that could be called my fault. Mind narrowing the field down a little?"

He laughs bitterly. "Come on, Lilly. You're not that stupid. _Look_ at me; y'know, everyone else does. They way they see me... it's all your fault," he concludes weakly, and she flinches.

"Cassidy, you're drunk. Come on, sit down, _relax_," she says, dragging him over to sit on the couch. "Things'll seem better in when-"

He cuts off her platitudes by dragging her lips to his, kissing her as if that can take away everything he is – everything she's made him. He feels her dare to kiss back for a second, and the loneliness comes off her like steam. It's been months since Weevil dumped her for not believing her ex was a killer, months since Wallace vanished to find himself in Chicago, months since Caitlin Ford was handed down a _6 month_ sentence for what she did. He can tell she wants to give in, bury herself in him like she did at Shelley's party.

But then her hands start moving and she pushes him away. "Cassidy!" he says in a high, panicking voice; his saliva still dripping off her lips. "No, that's... Just, no."

He grimaces and grasps her wrist. "Come on, Lilly. You've done it before and you can do it again," he says, and unsurprisingly, she's not convince. He hates her. God, how he hates her. It's all her fault; dragging him into the spotlight and sharing his business with every single fucking person on planet Earth; he should have thrown her in front of that car instead of himself. She would be dead and he would not have to deal with this crap.

"Come _on_, Lilly. I'm fine; you proved that," he hears his own voice tremble on 'proved'. "I'm just fine; and with you..."

The sentence trails off midway through. He didn't really know what he was saying anyway. He feels the tears brewing in his eyes, and he looks down to hide them for her. He is not going to let her see how he has become that pathetic thing she wanted to make of him.

Yet somehow, she knows and she looks at him with pity. "Look at you. Let no-one ever tell you you can't self-destruct with the best of them, Cass."

"I'm fine," he says; a last desperate shot at defending himself. She raises an eyebrow.

"Sure," she says. It's sarcastic but not cold. She wants to help him; hasn't she always been just so fucking helpful?

He can't contain the tears anymore, so he breaks down and gently collapses into her arms. She seems uncomfortable, but she holds him – it's disturbingly maternal. The muffled sob of his own sobs against her skin makes him feel sick, and he understands. He came here for a comforting lie.

She was all out.

**9. From which the hands have vanished**

Mac is something new. He knew from the start that his attempts to seem 'normal' would have to get more intense this year – _every action has an equal and opposite reaction,_ and maybe getting someone to love him – completely powerless to him – will offset things enough for him to stay invisible.

But he didn't see her coming; her sweetness and laughter and light, and slight ruthlessness to match his overload of it. He can't stay away from her; she's like a drug with her crazy-colored hair, her snarking at bad movies, her way of _looking_ at him like he's really there. He's never wanted to feel – especially not now – but when he sees her he's full to the brim, and the thought that he might hurt her makes him sick. He loves her as much as he can, and he hates her for making him do so.

Love, hate; same thing really.

Veronica is one of her best friends, and he's not sure if he likes that or cannot stands that. Veronica finds them sweet and cute. She sees them as innocent as she sees him, and he delights in how effectively he can rule over her. He can't make Mac a powerless pawn is his mind – she is a person now – so he goes for the next best thing; the girl rendered artificially helpless. Veronica is so _dumb_. She talks to him, laughs with him – becomes his friend. He likes her, really he does – and he likes the feeling that he can keep her under control, purely by the power of her own stupidity.

If Mac knew who he was, she would run. If she knew about the bus, she would panic and scream. If she knew about Veronica, she would rage and start their war against him. If she about about Woody; she would be disgusted and pitying, she would turn him into little glass fragments.

Sometimes he wishes he could let her (or just someone) see him; the real him, dirty and bruised and broken and wrong. Evil. Powerful.

It's a stupid wish, and he knows it. It's far better to pretend to be what they want; to leave yourself in the shadows where you can pull their strings, without them even noticing.

But somehow his mask isn't quite working anymore; he can make everyone believe it except himself. When Mac kisses him his cells flush grey and dead, and he starts to coil up like a spring. He can't say why. It was so easy with Veronica; she just lay there and he just did it. Felt her soft curves pressed against his sharp, awkward, bony angles. Felt her warmth and her innocence, all for him.

But Mac if different; when she touches him the bones start to shatter. The memories he never wants to remember – Veronica didn't have to remember hers; lucky girl – peer out; of youth and Little League and that razor-blade-caramel voice; the plastic one that said it would be okay. That it wouldn't hurt him.

He can't say why. She presses and he lovehates her for wanting more, for being unable to understand why he can't give it – he's starting to crumple under the pressure of her bright, expectant eyes, and they're headed for some kind of collision.

Then she outright asks – why doesn't he want to do anything? – and he can't run anymore. Her energy and life means everything to him, and he wishes he could just keep basking in it, but he has things to do. He has to get her away from him, has to cut her out of this fucked up mess that half-defines him.

He says, "Good luck getting laid." The pain in her eyes makes him struggle not to wince, makes the bile rise in his throat. He's snapping her in two like he always knew he had the power too. It's funny, because this – she – is so tiny in the grand scheme of things, and yet somehow it's the only thing he's ever fully felt guilty about.

He can't say why. Mystery of love(hate), he guesses.


	10. A Short Film

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**10. Over the skin-surface, a bracing of nerves**

The hall is loud. Cheers and claps surround him, as Clemmons reads out each graduate's name over the frenzied excitement. Cassidy is sitting with Dick, Duncan and Logan; Dick's pretty much here just because the Cassidy and Logan insisted. Dick looks bored, but he has been lured with the promise of the graduation party.

The list of names scrolls down and they all politely clap – they don't really _know_ any of these people. Then Clemmons reads out the name they're all waiting for.

"Lilly Kane."

Duncan leaps to his feet to clap as hard as is humanly possible. "Go Lilly!" he yells out, and Dick laughs at him. Cassidy lightly punches Dick on the shoulder. Logan smiles a little, and claps for her. Cassidy can see a lot of memories running through Logan's head.

Cassidy remembers too. Lilly had slept with him, Lilly had been his friend, Lilly had destroyed the life he wanted to live, then helped him build a knew one. He had liked her, hated her, loved her – she was always just fucking _there_. He doesn't know who he would be if it wasn't for her. He claps as hard as he can for her, cheering and watching her grin.

The graduation party is even louder; the beat of the music pounding in his head like a heartbeat. He is, surprisingly, not drunk. He's never a really heavy drinker except for when he's self-destructing, which he really doesn't want to be doing right now.

Lilly runs into him – well, dances into him. She turns to see him, and wears her widest grin. "Hey-ey, Cassy!" she yells, slurring the words before throwing her arms around him. "How's everyone's favorite nutjob?"

He laughs. "Fine. How drunk _are_ you, Lilly?"

She pulls away. "Uh, don't really think it's on the sort of scale that can be described with words anymore," she says, before hiccuping. He nods.

"Yeah, I kind of guessed that one myself," he says. She slaps him on the arm.

They pause, and observe their fellow party-goers. She leans on him to stay upright. "Graduation," she says, suddenly sounding a good deal more somber. "Wow. Really wasn't understanding the concept it would eventually happen; you know, leaving Neptune High."

Cassidy shrugs. "Yeah. Well, of the many things you can say about your run here, you cannot say it was boring."

She laughs. "What do you mean? I didn't get to scale the alps, or cure cancer... Total snoozefest."

He laughs, then pauses. "I'm going to miss you."

She blinks. "Oh, like hell," she says. "Come _on,_ Cass. Hearst is like... some tiny amount of miles away; I'm drunk so I don't remember how many, but the point is: still here. And if you bitches abandon me, I will totally come machete you to death."

Cassidy shakes his head. "The conversations we have, Lilly."

She grins and wonders off to indulge in her typical party girl activities. He winds up on the couch, next to Logan. "Hey," he says.

"Hey," Logan replies in kind, handing his beer over to Cassidy to share. He accepts it. "So, what's new in Beavertown?"

"My name is Cassidy," and Logan's gotten better with that, but still, the nickname occurs and it annoys him. "And... not much is happening, really."

Logan nods, and his eyes find Lilly on the dance floor. "Well. There she is; modern college girl on the go."

"Yeah."

Logan sighs. "Well, you can say many things for her, but you've got to admit one way or the other – she's... special."

"Yeah, well, a lot of the things I heard you say for her would probably be unprintable, so I guess 'special' is the way to go if you ever get interviewed about her."

Logan laughs. "Yeah, sounds like me." He gently holds Cassidy's arm – memories occur, but it doesn't take too much effort for Cassidy to push them down now. Maybe he really is getting better.

"I said I was going to miss her," Cassidy says. "Then she got all insistent that we all have to visit her. Which I was planning on doing anyway, so whatever."

"Where is she going, college or jail?"

Cassidy laughs. "Knowing Lilly the way I do, the latter would not really surprise me."

Logan pauses. "So. It ends where pretty much everything important happened – another goddamn drunken party."

Cassidy shrugs. "Where were you planning on ending it? The moon?" he says. "Besides, it's not really ending. Is anyone dead yet?"

"Actually, there's a long list of dead people involved – you forget that?"

"Well, I meant like, Lilly or either of us," he explains.

"We're alive. Go us," says Logan, moving in a little closer. Cassidy feels some heat rise to his face, and passes the beer back to Logan.

"Yeah," he says.

Logan takes a drink, and they observe a little more. "So. Last big high school party where we're meant to do crazy shit. We should make it memorable."

Cassidy raises an eyebrow. "Dude, are you hitting on me?"

Logan rolls his eyes and throws his hands up. "Finally!" he exclaims. "Thought you'd never notice."

"Hey! We were talking about your ex, slash the girl who would have been the mother of my child. That's not exactly the best way to go about it, Logan," Cassidy defends himself.

"Oh, whatever," says Logan. "How about we try this properly, Cassidy?"

Cassidy blinks. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," Logan pauses. "That I like you. And everyone knows there's something going on now anyway, so it's not like we're hiding anything. And, I don't know, it's been like forever and I still remember everything about you, and I... I want to actually _be_ with you, you know?"

Cassidy's lips form a silent 'Oh'.

Logan quirks a smile. "So, yeah. That's my heart, offered on a silver platter. Feel free to crush it and bake your bread out of it if you wish," he says, joking like he always does when he's nervous and is pretending not be. Cassidy bites his lip.

"Yeah," he says quietly. This is good – he likes Logan, and Logan is right there and things are going to be good between them. He wants this, and he doesn't really feel scared of it. "Yes," he says more loudly.

Then Logan kisses him, and Cassidy vaguely hears some people hissing, and some people cheering in the background. He doesn't pay attention to all that, but he can feel Lilly beaming from all the way across the room.

**10. For something that has already happened**

He books a room for him and Mac on the night of her graduation. They're back together, and he wants to make the perfect cliche for her – okay, technically the cliche would usually involve prom night, but they missed that and this is good enough.

The truth about Woody is out, thanks to Cassidy's blackmailing and the nosiness of Veronica Mars. Nobody knows how Cassidy relates to whole thing now, and hopefully they never will – after all, if he could sell his lies to Veronica so successfully, he's sure he can pull it off with everyone else too. However, the situation frightens him – he's not sure how good a liar he really is, and he never meant for people to get this close to the truth. Sure, it's nice to think he's forced Woody to run scared; but he's terrified that people might realize the truth. Even if he took his voice off that tape, someone is going to remember he was on that team and start asking questions; the medical records would show he had chlamydia, Mac might connect it to how he was with her, and then they would all _know_...

_Veronica_, the name pops up in his mind. He knows he gave it to her – they said she had it at Aaron's trial – and she's stupid, but she's not that stupid. She knows he was in the room there with her; she would figure out exactly what he did to her. His life would be over.

_No_, he thinks. He's paranoid. He's kept his secrets well for the last six years; no reason for things to change now.

He claps when Veronica gets her diploma. She looks stunned by the applause she gets – how she has gone from school outcast to school hero. He feels a little envious, but deep down he knows she deserves the love.

He takes Mac to the room, feeling the dark weight settle in his stomach as they get closer and closer. They're on the bed and he's on top of her, but he just _can't_ and the memories are invading his head like soldiers. He rolls off her and focuses on the ceiling, concentrating _hard_ on not throwing up all over her. He feels crushing sadness radiating from her body; like he's met her expectations and broken her heart at the same time. He wishes he wouldn't do this to her – she's the one person he never wants to hurt, and he never seems to be able to avoid it.

He goes to take a shower – he thinks he can hear the muffled sound of her crying underneath the rush of water. He hopes she can't hear when he throws up into the bin. He sits on the bed for a while, waiting, until Mac's cellphone buzzes with a message from Veronica.

_Get away from Beaver. Now. He's a killer. I'm in the lobby._

Cassidy's stomach turns as he reads the message. Veronica. He could _do_ this with Veronica – it isn't the same with Mac, and he doesn't know why. And now he has to kill Veronica, and he hates it, because he likes her and wants to keep the proof that he's _strong now_ in this world.

But he can't. So he grabs the gun he had the forethought to bring with him – little paranoid, but useful now – and he texts her back, telling her to meet him on the roof. He hopes she'll be in enough of a panic not to wonder why the hell Mac would want to meet her on the roof. He thinks she will be, and besides, Veronica Mars is nowhere near as smart as she's made out to be.

The shower water noise is still playing in the background, and Cassidy knows he has to deal with Mac somehow. Otherwise she'll follow him; see everything and it will all be over. But he won't – _can't_ – kill Mac; not now, not ever. He racks his brain for a different solution, and decides he just needs to keep her here. Then he can run, and she'll be okay.

He starts to strip the room. He charges into the bathroom and takes her clothes and the towels, seeing her turn in confusion.

He adds them to the pile as she storms out, still dripping wet and with the water still running. "Cassidy, what are you _doing_?!" she shrieks, and he doesn't answer.

She lunges for the clothes. "Stop it!" she says, and when her hand lands on her dress she can't help but slap her.

She falls to the ground with a _thud_. Her eyes are wide, terrified and full of tears; he can see the red mark on her face. He floods with guilt, and all he wants is to be able to take her away where she – and he – can never be hurt again. But he's not that person and he has to go kill her best friend now; she's crying and he eyes are landing on the shiny silver gun he's holding.

"Cassidy," she forces out, "What is going on?"

She sounds so weak, so pathetic, so _helpless_. He feels sorry for her; wishes he could take it all back for her. He can't answer the question, so he just shakes his head. "Don't wait for me, Mac," he says. Then he storms out with his arms full of stuff, dumping it before heading up to the hotel room.

Veronica flinches when she sees him, but she tries to stay calm. He can see the effort it's taking to strangle him in her eyes, because she really doesn't want to be shot. He doesn't really want to shoot her anyway, but what's done is done and he has to. Shit.

She spells out his evil deeds – it's a cliche and he knows it, but it's kind of nice to hear. She's scared of him, finally.

She reaches Shelley Pomroy's, and loses her composure with a cry: "You _raped_ me!"

He can't help but laugh. "And Dick still thinks I'm a virgin," he says, dismissing it like she meant nothing to him. She meant absolutely everything, but he knows acting like he doesn't care will make it worse – he always hated being just one in a long line – and he wants to hurt her as much as he can before he does it. He's savoring his last moments with her.

But she snaps right back into place, gloating at him that she's told her dad everything. Stupid girl. Cassidy's not even sure it's true, but that's not the point. He tells her about the bomb – cruelly gives her a minute to say goodbye – then presses send; Keith Mars, Woody and probably some innocent, completely irrelevant people go up in flames.

He feels a kind of deja vu.

She collapses to her knees with grief, and again, he feels jealous that she gets the family that can mean so much. She looks so shocked and weak there, just like she did at Shelley's party, and he wishes he could make her a comfort again. She was so soft and warm there; he just wanted to crawl into her and forget who he was.

He can't do that now. He tortures her with her own tazer and watches as she shrieks. He tells her to jump off the roof – he doesn't want to kill her and it might be easier if he doesn't physically have to do it himself – and she begs him to stop. She never got to beg before. She was unconscious; she just lay there as he did what he liked with her. The way she sounds now; it makes him sick and he likes it. All this time and she's as weak as she was when he first found her. He loves her for that. Hates her for that.

Indifference is not an option anymore.

Then Logan shows up _somehow_; a fight ensues and he loses the gun. Veronica winds up with it, pointed straight at him and she's crying. She's screaming. She wants to be strong.

Logan tells her no, and Cassidy suppresses a laugh – it's not funny, really – because he's imagined this so many times before. His first victim, about to make him pay for her pain the way he made so many people pay for his pain. His eyes are yelling "_Do it!"_ at her and he knows they are, but Logan's even tones seem to be convincing her. The gun falls as Logan takes her in his arms, and Cassidy's stomach flips as he realizes that he is _still not important enough_ to her.

Logan and Veronica are too busy wallowing in how Cassidy's hurt her to notice when that same guy climbs the railing on the roof. Logan lifts his head, and paces forward, calling out "Beaver, don't!" in a panic.

"My _name_ is _Cassidy_!" he screams for one last time. They pause.

"Cassidy, don't," Logan says, as if – or anyone really – cares who Cassidy is or whether he lives or dies. He thinks of Mac, who he has already crushed so far – she loved him, but it will be better for her once he's gone. He thinks of Dick, who he feels will miss him (if only out of familial loyalty) – but Dick has always treated him like shit, so if he decides to care about Cassidy once Cassidy's freaking dead, that's his own problem.

"Why not?" he asks. Logan's jaw moves like he's trying to say something, but Cassidy knows Logan can't say anything that might convince his. Logan doesn't know him, after all. Veronica just stares, and he wishes for half a second that he could be like her. That he could keep going. He realizes now how stupid he was to expect her to roll off the roof. He might have been the one who broke her, but she emerged the stronger one.

"That's what I thought," he says with an ironic smile. He steps backwards and it's over. He's ended it, on his own terms.


	11. Red

**BIRTHDAY LETTERS**

**11. You hid from the bone clinic whiteness**

He's hanging off Logan's arm in the Hearst College outdoor area, talking about something stupid on one of the benches. They get odd looks – big surprise – but nobody says anything. He likes Hearst College, mostly because not everybody knows who he is here.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Lilly and Dick headed towards them. Dick grimaces at the sight of his little brother and his best friend, as he always does. "Ew," Dick says. "Dude, I am never going to be okay with this."

Lilly rolls her eyes. "Nobody cares, Dick. Anyway, you guys have to get to class soon, right?"

"Do I look like I'm going to go to class?" Dick asks, and the rest of them simultaneously roll their eyes.

"Yeah, go embrace the moronic frat boy stereotype. _That's_ gonna send your credibility through the roof," Lilly says, and a hush falls over them all. Cassidy's stomach churns. He always knew it was a stupid idea for Dick to join the Pi Sig fraternity after how they had been accused last year – but Dick was Dick, and was not going to be convinced that a bad idea was bad. Cassidy knows Dick would never do something like that, despite his way of treating women that makes Cassidy sick – Dick would realize Cassidy would kill him for it, for one thing.

The moments passes and they all stand. "Anyway. That class thing," says Logan, before pressing a brief, chaste kiss to Cassidy's lips. "See you."

"Bye," he says as they all wander off. He should just go, but when he starts to walk he's not leaving campus – he doesn't actually know where he's going.

Soon he's standing in front of a girl in a blond wig, in front of her dorm room. Parker Lee. She was one of the victims of the Heart serial rapist – or rapists, like she and Lilith House are arguing. They say the whole Pi Sigma fraternity is part of it, but Dick – no. He wouldn't.

He met her once; a few weeks back when they were all protesting outside, coincidentally while he was visiting Dick. The other frat boys make cracks about lesbians and feminazis, then someone said things about how unsurprising the girls the rapist picked were, that made Cassidy feel sicker and sicker. Dick had told the guy, "Dude, shut up," and Cassidy just wanted to crawl into the shadows. He had met the eyes of the girls – particularly Parker – and they had looked at him like filth.

"Hi, Cassidy," she says, snapping him back to reality. Her eyes narrow in anger.

"You know who I am?" he asks.

She shrugs. "Yeah; Dick's brother. We've all heard enough about you," and he's not sure how much 'enough' is, but that's not the point. She pauses, clutching her arms close to her chest. "So, what is this, Cassidy? The big familial insistence that big brother would _never_ do a thing like that; that it must all be some kind of big misunderstanding?"

He bites his lip. "Yeah, kind of. Sorry," he admits timidly, and she laughs bitterly.

"Well, I've heard it, so you can go running back to your cubbyhole now," she says, and he grimaces.

"Yeah, I wasn't expecting you to listen to me anyway. I don't even really know what I'm doing here."

"Trying to convince yourself that everything's fine is my guess," she says coolly. "This is a new scenario, isn't it? Spoiled little rich brat; you haven't had to think about this whole kind of concept – you know, the sexual violence thing – before, have you? And now you just want to cut it out and pretend you're living in the same perfect world as before. Well, guess what? So do I, but it doesn't work that way."

He digs his nails into his palm under the pressure of trying not to scream at her. "That's not exactly how I'd put it," he says, understated, and he sees in her eyes that she doesn't see the implication. "I reckon you're in a lot of pain, looking for an easy answer and casting me in whatever light will make the story fly. Believe me, I_ know_ that with the way you're feeling, you're not going to be thinking through the whole thing logically."

She shakes her head. "Don't pretend, even for a _second_, that you know what I'm feeling."

His jaw clenches. "Well, no, not exactly; but I've got the general gist," he blurts out before he can stop himself.

"Oh, yeah, sure. So you just read about me being rape victim of the year, and suddenly, _boom_; you understand the feeling."

"_No,_ Parker. I have understood the feeling since I was eleven years old and my dad forced me to sign up for little league."

Everything goes quiet as he sees it register in her eyes, and it occurs to him that he just told this practical stranger about the whole thing. "Didn't have the greatest coach in the world," he says, and hears the waver in his own voice. He hates that. Parker just stares at him some more.

"Oh my... I didn't know," she says helplessly, and he shrugs.

"Well, we've barely met, and it's hardly something I open with," he says. "But I get the whole problem, and I_ know –_ my brother wouldn't do something like that. For one thing, he'd know I'd kill him for it."

Parker swallows. "Okay. I feel sorry for you. But this whole thing that happened to me? Is completely unrelated to your issues, and playing the sympathy card isn't going to make me trust your brother any more."

He sighs and nods. "Can't say I didn't expect that one, honestly."

Then he leaves; even steps down the hallway as Parker retreats to her room. It takes him a few moments to realize he's run into a familiar face: "Mac?"

Mac blinks a few times. "Cassidy, hey," she says, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

He shrugs. "Well, you know, I was visiting everyone on campus and... wound up here. Talked to Parker, about that thing with the Pi Sigs..." the sentence sounds incomplete, but the important details he didn't put there are obvious anyway.

He does sometimes wonder – what would have happened, if he wasn't the trainwreck he's famous for being? What if nothing had happened to him, and they had gone on that date like the normal couple he wanted to be? It's not that he doesn't love Logan – because he does – but Mac was sweet and kind and represented a kind of innocence he never knew. Maybe he could have been with her in that other world, and just _exist_ without everyone judging his every action as to whether he's 'okay' or not.

Mac bites her lip. "Oh. Okay," she says. "Well, see you, Cassidy."

Then she paces down the corridor, and opens the door to Parker's room. Huh. Apparently, they're dorm-mates.

She closes it again, and it almost looks like she's locking him out.

**11. ****But the jewel you lost was blue**

He never expected being dead would be this... _boring_. There's so little to do – no-one's there, no-one talks to him, and there's no heaven or hell to go to. He just languishes around Neptune town, watching the people he left behind.

Mostly, they don't talk about him. Veronica hasn't been able to bring herself to tell anyone (except Logan, obviously) the full truth about what happened with him; about what he did to her. Mac spends a lot of the summer crying over him, and he feels guilty again – he doesn't want her to be hurt.

Dick falls apart, and it affects Cassidy more than he expected it to. Dick looks like he can't even comprehend the situation – how is it even possible for Beaver to be dead? Cassidy realizes that, despite everything, Dick always _needed_ him more than anyone else, and now he's gone Dick simply doesn't know what to do.

Logan and Veronica get back together, without a word to that night on the roof or what Cassidy did to her. They seem happy, and it's kind of nice – he knows Logan and Veronica, so it's never going to last, but maybe a moment of happiness for them is what people deserve. They have sex for the first time, and Cassidy can tell Logan's scared of hurting her – but she doesn't seem to notice, and enjoys herself. He is struck with a huge wave of jealousy, because he tried – Mac – and he couldn't get over it. She could, despite what he did to her. He was just so pathetic that he didn't manage to break her.

He watches as Mac's roommate is dragged into her room, and that guy – Mercer, his name is – sneaks in with the illegal key. Cassidy's more curious than anything about the whole situation. Mac waits outside for Veronica, and wondering how to get those movie tickets – Veronica arrives for Mac's snark about Parker's promiscuity, and it reminds Cassidy of seeing "slut" scrawled on the windshield after Shelley's party.

Veronica goes into the room and quickly fetches the tickets, never realizing what's actually going on. It strikes Cassidy as funny that, in the last two years, she still hasn't gotten any smarter. He's everywhere at once now, and he watches as Mercer Hayes comes, Dick breaks down crying on Logan's shoulder, and Mac and Veronica arrive at the movie theater.

Parker blames Veronica after – she has a fair point. At the back of his mind, he wonders if the people on that bus blame Veronica for not figuring out the truth about him before he had the chance to kill them. It doesn't really matter, he supposes.

Eventually, Veronica confronts Parker about the whole thing. "Do you really think I came in here and thought, 'Hey, look. Parker's getting raped. Now, where are those movie tickets?'"

Parker doesn't by it. "No. You just thought the whore was getting her freak on," and Cassidy can hear everything people used to say about Veronica Mars screaming at him: _whore, bitch, slut, traitor._ With the way they treated her, was it any surprise where she wound up?

Veronica defends herself, and Parker shakes her head. "Don't pretend for a second that you understand how I'm feeling," she says, even though Cassidy knows Veronica does. Then Veronica says as much.

"I understand exactly what you're feeling, Parker. I have been understanding since Shelley Pomroy's party, summer 2004," and that's the wrong date, but Cassidy guesses Veronica's just not thinking. Parker looks shocked.

"I didn't... I didn't know."

"Not something I open with," Veronica says, and it strikes Cassidy as ironic how quiet she is about what he did to her – given what being quiet about it made him do. "Now that's I've got your attention, I _will_ find out who raped you. That's job one."

Cassidy knows she will – she was stupid and slow about it, but eventually she figured him out. All that time, and in the end she beat him. And she's going to try and figure it out now, starting with the stupidity of the Pi Sigs inviting her into their midst – via his brother, because that won't make everything worse. Cassidy knows that the fraternity had nothing to do with it – not that he'd put it past Dick, because he does remember how he wound up in that room with Veronica anyway – but between Veronica's issues, and how Dick showed up at Parker's door the night before it happened, it's not going to end well.

Cassidy wonders a little, if somewhere at the back of her mind, Veronica will be able to forgive him someday.


End file.
